Well, now that I'm fat, (see suddenly pudgy, my previous post) I've been trying to think of things I can do and, you know what? Just as I was sitting in my living room, eating one of those little snack pies--(don't worry, the pastry crust was made with whole wheat, so it's definitely healthy)--anyway, as I was sitting around, munching and thinking about things that the new Fat Dan could do, a commercial comes on tv for something called the LapBand system.
Yeah, it's some sort of surgical device/system that will tie off a section of your stomach so you don't have this big bottomless pit down there anymore. Anyway, the people on tv were going on and on singing the LapBand's praises and telling us how they were going to do all sorts of new things when they got thin. One lady was going to visit her sister more often (apparently her sister has very narrow doors that only thin people can squeeze through). Another man was going to feel better about himself and was going to have a good life again. Even when the quick-talking announcer made us aware in a whispery voice that a few minor side effects like "uncontrollable bodily functions, fevers, rashes in unusual places, heart problems, breathing difficulties, immobilization, paralyzation, unification of the symbosial unit (whatever that is), and, in some extreme cases, death may occur"--even when the announcer told us all of that, these people still boldly proclaimed that they were ready. Ready for whatever happened. They were so brave, these fat people on the commercial . . . .
Well, I watched them all and one single, clear thought filled my head like an answer from heaven: I had my answer!
If I continue on this path to obesity, I'm going to become an actor in commercials that sell things to or for fat people.
Now, you may not think I have it in me to pull that off, but I would disagree. I think if I packed on maybe 20 or 30 more pounds, I'd be very believable in those roles. And, don't think for a minute, there's not plenty of work for someone like me. I could star in commercials for new diets, commercials for the LapBand 2 (the new lapband that has ironed out some of the original failings of the first one--you know, less uncontrollable bodily function side effects, less dying--a lapband with the kinks worked out). I could even branch out and star in commercials for people who need to ride scooters in order to get around anymore.
Maybe I could pull a "Jared" and find some fast food restaurant that will help me lose weight and will then pay me to tell my story to the world.... There's a bright new world opening up for someone willing to make the most of their...situation.
However, excited as I am about my new potential career, there is one thing I won't do: I won't be the poster fat boy for those video exposes that news channels always do--you know, the ones that start with a tag line like "America: Fatter than Ever" or "The Obese in America: Eating Our Way to the Grave" or other catchy titles that are guaranteed to help people feel good about themselves.
No sir. I've got to draw the line somewhere. You see, I've always felt bad for the people who get caught on videotape and then used as fodder on the broadcast. I've always wondered what it must be like to tune into a news show and hear the thin, chiselled anchor say, "We'll be right back with Suzie Gibbons' report, 'America: The Fattest Nation on Earth." And then, while he's sending it over to equally thin Suzie, you see video of all these overweight people milling about a mall or something. I've always wondered what it was like to be sitting in one of those few living rooms throughout America where some kid stares at the screen and says "Hey mom, were you at the mall today, wearing a . . . green sweatsuit . . . carrying a bag from Godiva's? 'Cause there's a fat lady on tv that sure looks a lot like you from behind." Yeah, those people have to feel like a million bucks.
And it's funny--whenever they show those videos, they always try to be "kind" to the fat people they're filming: they only film from the waist down. All I know is that if I'm ever at the mall and I see a bunch of camera people with cameras set at waist level or below, I'm heading the other way.
Yeah, it's some sort of surgical device/system that will tie off a section of your stomach so you don't have this big bottomless pit down there anymore. Anyway, the people on tv were going on and on singing the LapBand's praises and telling us how they were going to do all sorts of new things when they got thin. One lady was going to visit her sister more often (apparently her sister has very narrow doors that only thin people can squeeze through). Another man was going to feel better about himself and was going to have a good life again. Even when the quick-talking announcer made us aware in a whispery voice that a few minor side effects like "uncontrollable bodily functions, fevers, rashes in unusual places, heart problems, breathing difficulties, immobilization, paralyzation, unification of the symbosial unit (whatever that is), and, in some extreme cases, death may occur"--even when the announcer told us all of that, these people still boldly proclaimed that they were ready. Ready for whatever happened. They were so brave, these fat people on the commercial . . . .
Well, I watched them all and one single, clear thought filled my head like an answer from heaven: I had my answer!
If I continue on this path to obesity, I'm going to become an actor in commercials that sell things to or for fat people.
Now, you may not think I have it in me to pull that off, but I would disagree. I think if I packed on maybe 20 or 30 more pounds, I'd be very believable in those roles. And, don't think for a minute, there's not plenty of work for someone like me. I could star in commercials for new diets, commercials for the LapBand 2 (the new lapband that has ironed out some of the original failings of the first one--you know, less uncontrollable bodily function side effects, less dying--a lapband with the kinks worked out). I could even branch out and star in commercials for people who need to ride scooters in order to get around anymore.
Maybe I could pull a "Jared" and find some fast food restaurant that will help me lose weight and will then pay me to tell my story to the world.... There's a bright new world opening up for someone willing to make the most of their...situation.
However, excited as I am about my new potential career, there is one thing I won't do: I won't be the poster fat boy for those video exposes that news channels always do--you know, the ones that start with a tag line like "America: Fatter than Ever" or "The Obese in America: Eating Our Way to the Grave" or other catchy titles that are guaranteed to help people feel good about themselves.
No sir. I've got to draw the line somewhere. You see, I've always felt bad for the people who get caught on videotape and then used as fodder on the broadcast. I've always wondered what it must be like to tune into a news show and hear the thin, chiselled anchor say, "We'll be right back with Suzie Gibbons' report, 'America: The Fattest Nation on Earth." And then, while he's sending it over to equally thin Suzie, you see video of all these overweight people milling about a mall or something. I've always wondered what it was like to be sitting in one of those few living rooms throughout America where some kid stares at the screen and says "Hey mom, were you at the mall today, wearing a . . . green sweatsuit . . . carrying a bag from Godiva's? 'Cause there's a fat lady on tv that sure looks a lot like you from behind." Yeah, those people have to feel like a million bucks.
And it's funny--whenever they show those videos, they always try to be "kind" to the fat people they're filming: they only film from the waist down. All I know is that if I'm ever at the mall and I see a bunch of camera people with cameras set at waist level or below, I'm heading the other way.
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