i love God more than you

Tonight at dinner, we had a rousing theological discussion. Now, in most cases, you'd probably not associate theological discussions with the word "rousing," but most of you have never had dinner with us.

See, tonight we all settled down to a nice meal after Caleb's baseball practice. Everybody was there and everybody was eager to talk and express many opinions. However, before we let them unleash all their thoughts, I announced that somebody needed to pray.

At the mention of the word "pray" five hands shot up and the kids all hopped up and down on their chairs until I chose Andrew. He cleared his throat and began his prayer:

"Dear Jesus, thank you for our day and our food. I love mommy and daddy and . . . (and on and on and on as he listed everybody and everything he's ever loved or met or seen once on a movie or in a magazine.) 10 minutes later, he wrapped it all up with the phrase "to the Praise of God, Amen."

It was very stirring and thoughtful and most of all, it was very, very long. But it was over. And it was time to eat. So we all piled up our plates and the insanity began.

As the words "Amen" left Andrew's lips, Caleb said, "May I have more goulash?"

And I said, "We're just done praying . . . how did you finish your food already?"

He just said "Dunno," and wiped a slobbery spot of tomato juice off his chin and thrust his plate at me.

Madi looked at him and said, "Caleb didn't pray." And she said it in that sing-songy voice you just know is going to cause trouble.

And it did.

Caleb responded with an angry "I did too," as he stuffed more pasta down his noise hole.

Then Tessa said "mm ha wefcvdw chrus!" (We have no idea what she said, but we know she was mad and ready for a fight). She pounded her meaty fists on the table and glared at Caleb and we thought for a second, she was going to call down fire. Caleb just looked at her and said, "What? What's wrong?"

Tessa pointed at him with her fork and narrowed her eyes. She returned to her meal, but she kept her eyes on Caleb. (Someday, we'll be able to understand Tessa. I'm excited, but a little scared, too).

Anyway, as all that's going on, Andrew's just staring at his glass of milk. I looked at him and amidst all the grumbling and arguing, I asked him what was up.

He looked at me and said, "Do you know how I learned to say 'to the praise of God?'"

"Church?" I guessed.

He shook his head.

"Sunday School?"

"Nope."

"Me? Did you learn it from watching your dad?"

"Nope. I made it up in my own head."

I told him that was very impressive indeed and that I was proud of him. And that was a big mistake because my praise of his prayer went straight to his pointed little head.

"Caleb, I said the best prayer ever--dad said so!"

"Nuh, uh! Dad, did you say Andrew said the best prayer ever?"

I was just getting ready to stop that silly argument when Andrew, apparently the newly appointed Lord Chancellor of Holiness, started polling everybody to find out exactly how much they loved God.

Yes. I'm not joking. He actually polled people to find out who loved God most. Yeah, I just sat there as His Holiness beamed down on his flock and asked them all how much they loved God. And then, when they each answered, he smiled, held up a hand like a picture of a Saint, and gently shook his head before telling each of us in turn that, sadly, none of us loved God as much as him.

Well, that was bad enough--to realize the depth of Andrew's conceit and his "Better-than-Thou" philosophy. But before I could yell at him and take His Holiness down a peg or two, Caleb jumped into the fray with both feet.

In between shovel-fulls of goulash, he glared at Andrew and said "I do too Love God more than you!"

Andrew leaned in, three inches away from Caleb's face and shouted "No! I Love GOD more than YOU!"

Caleb slammed his fork down and started to stand up, his eyes glaring fire back at Andrew as he proclaimed his love for God in no uncertain terms.

Aaaaahh, it went on like that for about 5 minutes, but it seemed longer. Finally I stopped it by raising my voice and loudly proclaiming that "Everybody at this table loves God the same--and by the same, I mean A LOT!"

"But," Andrew chirped in. "But I love . . . ."

"Andrew--you don't own the corner on God-Loving and neither do you, Caleb!"

"Dad, we don't even know what that means."

Heck, neither did I. I wondered How our evening could have been reduced to an argument about who loves God more? Out loud I just said "Everybody shut up and eat your goulash."

Yes, I'm the Spiritual Leader of the family.